Star Struck

After leaving my abusive relationship I found myself in a world of confusion, insomnia, hurt and disappointment.  I wanted to know why.  Why had I been treated the way I had?  Why hadn’t I seen it coming? What had I done to cause it?  Did I have a particular personality trait?  Had I chosen an abuser on some subconscious, subliminal level?  In my search for answers, I read and read and read.  I devoured books on controlling people (that is people who are controlling, not how to control people), on domestic abuse, on manipulative people and on being manipulated.  I read about personality disorders, sexism, feminism, the freedom programme and I read Katie Piper’s inspiring story, Beautiful, and I counted my blessings.  The more I read, the more obvious it became.  Violence against women in the form of domestic abuse is the biggest problem in our society.  I truly believe that.  And the reason it is so prevalent is obvious too.  We live in a society that treats women as objects.  Objects are things, they are inanimate, and they do not have feelings.  They do not have free will. If an object does not do what you expect or want it to, you either take it to bits and sort out the problem or throw it away. Simple. 

Maybe you don’t believe that women are treated this way.  I must admit, I hadn’t really noticed it before, but once my eyes were opened I realised that it is everywhere, and that I have a very big fight on my hands if I want to protect my daughters from the messages that they are bombarded with about their role in society, their bodies, their potential and their self-worth.  

If you walk into any newsagents, or supermarket, you are bombarded with images of scantily clad women in seductive poses.  This is damaging because it gives the message that women are not people, they are just bodies, or sex objects.  The largest image of a woman in the biggest selling ‘family’ newspaper is the image of a woman with her breasts on show, it is there purely for male sexual gratification.  Semi naked women are frequently shown posing with fully clothed men.  This is damaging because it portrays men as powerful, and women as vulnerable. I saw the video for Robin Thicke’s song Blurred Lines, semi naked women, pulling infantile faces (pouting, wide eyed) fully clothed men, all to a backdrop of revolting misogynistic lyrics. This all equals damaging, it’s the same message; women are playthings, men are powerful.  It’s not hard to see why this constant, inescapable conditioning leads to a very damaging belief system.

The reason I wrote this, is because today I began to pack up my belongings ready to move house.  I had plenty of boxes but no newspaper to wrap anything in.  I popped to the shop and bought five copies of the cheapest paper.  I shouldn’t have done it, because I then spent the whole time pissed off and furious.  I found myself wrapping up my belongings in sheets of paper with pictures of semi naked women, a problem page with a photo story featuring a woman in a see through top, and a story about Pippa Middleton’s knickers. FFS!  Yes, finally, those rumours that Pippa Middleton attended the royal wedding with no pants on have been silenced! At last! I mean who gives a fuck? This is news?  Of course, this story had to have picture of a woman in just her underwear and one of Pippa Middleton’s arse too, just to illustrate. Interestingly, next to the ‘story’ about Pippa’s pants, (which takes up over half a page) there are a few lines about Oscar Pistorius and whether he will face a first degree murder charge for shooting dead his girlfriend. Ironic?

So today I was reminded of all the things that I think are wrong with the media; the objectification of women and girls, turning them into things rather than people, focusing on body parts as if they don’t form part of a whole person.  Today I was reminded of the issues that I believe are causing and perpetuating the abuse of women in our society.  Because there are some men who have ingrained beliefs that women are objects, there for them to enjoy, control and ‘have’ and these men are the ones, who when ‘their’ woman, or any woman shows a sign of being a human being, and not a possession, believe that they have the right to do whatever necessary to bring her under his control, whether that be emotional, verbal, physical or sexual abuse.  He believes it is his right.  Today I was very disappointed at the amount of female flesh that I saw in my five copies of the Daily Star.  I suppose I should have known better really.

An unbelievable example of victim blaming

I have just listened to the news headlines and I am still reeling with disgust at what I have just heard.   41 year old paedophile, Neil Wilson, has been given a suspended sentence for sexual activity with a 13 year old child because, and I quote the judge here, she ‘led him on’. I cannot express my disgust at this enough.

I have a daughter who is thirteen very soon.  She is very much a child, just like every other thirteen year old. The judge said the child had been ‘egging on’ her abuser and the prosecutor, Robert Colover described her as ‘sexually experienced’.  Isn’t a sexually experienced child an already abused child?  Doesn’t that make her vulnerable rather than predatory? I really am at a loss as to how this idiot of a judge has ever been allowed the privilege of doing the job he is doing.  Does he not even understand very basics of child sex abuse?  Has he never heard of grooming? What a stupid ignorant man.  How can a person who is in a position of power hold such dangerous beliefs?  Victims of abuse are not the perpetrators! Abused, vulnerable, thirteen year old girls who have been groomed by paedophiles are not sexual predators. 

You can read the story here: http://news.sky.com/story/1125379/outcry-as-girl-called-sex-predator-by-judge

That judge, at the very least, needs to learn about child protection, but in an ideal world would never again be allowed to deal out ‘justice’ and Neil Wilson, the 41 year predatory paedophile who preyed on a vulnerable child, well he deserves as severe a punishment as possible. I hope he gets it.  

Why doesn't she just leave him?

I was going to write a blog post about Robin Thicke’s song ‘Blurred Lines’ and its accompanying video because I had the misfortune of seeing it yesterday and I wanted to punch the T.V. It is beyond nasty! However that post will have to wait, because over the last couple of days I have had a few messages from people who have read The Chameleon and I really wanted to say something about that.

Since releasing the book, so many women have told me that they too have experienced this type of relationship. Some have experienced abuse so subtle that the victim never really knows it is there. Or their relationship may have been labelled as ‘volatile’ when really it is abusive. These women have all wondered what they are doing to cause the problems.

I have read messages from people who have been battered, broken and at rock bottom, and have managed to escape and rebuild their lives. I have had a message from a lady who has given the story to her parents to read in the hope of shedding some light on an experience that she had.

I have had people write to me and tell me their story and then tell me that no one else knows what they have been through, and now I am wondering, just how big is this problem? Official figures suggest 1 in 4 women will be abused by a partner in her lifetime. That is pretty shocking don’t you think? But just in conversation with my immediate friends and family, I think that 1 in 4 is a conservative estimate. Personally, I would estimate that it is more like 1 in every 2 women, but that is just a guess.

One of the most frequently asked questions about abusive relationships is ‘why doesn’t she just leave?’ I understand, it is very frustrating to the outsider, who can clearly see that the abusive relationship is never going to yield happiness, but what is often misunderstood is the cycle that the relationship constantly follows. It doesn’t seem bad all the time, in fact some of the time it can seem very good, and this is one of the ways that the abuser keeps their hold over their victim. Don’t forget, they have built them up in the beginning of the relationship, placed them on a very high pedestal, only to knock them down, dismantle them piece by piece, break their heart and hurt their soul. Then just when things can’t get any worse, they will offer much needed love, tenderness and compassion. They will speak soothing words and make very convincing promises, and when you are hurting you are vulnerable, and when you are abused your confidence and self-esteem leave town. It’s easy for the abuser to manipulate you. An abuser will also have probably been working behind the scenes to isolate the victim by sabotaging friendships and family relationships. The victim may have no one left that she can trust.

Of course the other reason that women stay is the fear. It is very dangerous to leave an abuser. Two women a week are murdered in the UK by their partner or ex-partner. Most of those women were trying to leave. Terrifying isn’t it? So if you have experienced domestic abuse, I hope you know that it isn’t your fault, and if you know someone who is experiencing it right now, please don’t assume that it is easy to ‘just leave’ it’s not.