Why doesn't she just leave him?

I was going to write a blog post about Robin Thicke’s song ‘Blurred Lines’ and its accompanying video because I had the misfortune of seeing it yesterday and I wanted to punch the T.V. It is beyond nasty! However that post will have to wait, because over the last couple of days I have had a few messages from people who have read The Chameleon and I really wanted to say something about that.

Since releasing the book, so many women have told me that they too have experienced this type of relationship. Some have experienced abuse so subtle that the victim never really knows it is there. Or their relationship may have been labelled as ‘volatile’ when really it is abusive. These women have all wondered what they are doing to cause the problems.

I have read messages from people who have been battered, broken and at rock bottom, and have managed to escape and rebuild their lives. I have had a message from a lady who has given the story to her parents to read in the hope of shedding some light on an experience that she had.

I have had people write to me and tell me their story and then tell me that no one else knows what they have been through, and now I am wondering, just how big is this problem? Official figures suggest 1 in 4 women will be abused by a partner in her lifetime. That is pretty shocking don’t you think? But just in conversation with my immediate friends and family, I think that 1 in 4 is a conservative estimate. Personally, I would estimate that it is more like 1 in every 2 women, but that is just a guess.

One of the most frequently asked questions about abusive relationships is ‘why doesn’t she just leave?’ I understand, it is very frustrating to the outsider, who can clearly see that the abusive relationship is never going to yield happiness, but what is often misunderstood is the cycle that the relationship constantly follows. It doesn’t seem bad all the time, in fact some of the time it can seem very good, and this is one of the ways that the abuser keeps their hold over their victim. Don’t forget, they have built them up in the beginning of the relationship, placed them on a very high pedestal, only to knock them down, dismantle them piece by piece, break their heart and hurt their soul. Then just when things can’t get any worse, they will offer much needed love, tenderness and compassion. They will speak soothing words and make very convincing promises, and when you are hurting you are vulnerable, and when you are abused your confidence and self-esteem leave town. It’s easy for the abuser to manipulate you. An abuser will also have probably been working behind the scenes to isolate the victim by sabotaging friendships and family relationships. The victim may have no one left that she can trust.

Of course the other reason that women stay is the fear. It is very dangerous to leave an abuser. Two women a week are murdered in the UK by their partner or ex-partner. Most of those women were trying to leave. Terrifying isn’t it? So if you have experienced domestic abuse, I hope you know that it isn’t your fault, and if you know someone who is experiencing it right now, please don’t assume that it is easy to ‘just leave’ it’s not.